Post by WWJBCD on Jul 20, 2021 10:56:27 GMT -8
Hide Yamazaki and Max Pellegrini are both spotted handing out flyers for the first 30SPWC show since ate 2019, but since the card is normally only two matches long and no one requested getting booked for it, it mainly looks like this:
The 30-Seconds of Promos Wrestling Cooperative Presents:
"The Passive-Aggressive Event!"
Tuesday, July 20, 2021
Live from the 30SPWC District in the Sonoran Desert
Doors: 12pm, First Match: 1pm
Opening Bout:
Maskophobia vrs. "Bootcamp" Antonio Edgelord
Main Event:
#10 Contendership to the 30SPWC Undisputed Heavyweight Championship Match
"Cherubim" DuMorning vrs. "Just British" Rider Doogan
"The Passive-Aggressive Event!"
Tuesday, July 20, 2021
Live from the 30SPWC District in the Sonoran Desert
Doors: 12pm, First Match: 1pm
Opening Bout:
Maskophobia vrs. "Bootcamp" Antonio Edgelord
Main Event:
#10 Contendership to the 30SPWC Undisputed Heavyweight Championship Match
"Cherubim" DuMorning vrs. "Just British" Rider Doogan
At the commentator's desk, we have both General Manager Doctor Numbers and an irritated #1 Owner Johnny Hitmaker.
"Ah, I-I suppose it's high time to, to welcome everyone to..." Numbers looks at the flyer and cocks his head ever so slightly. "I-i-it's really called the, ah, the Passive-Aggressive Event?"
Johnny yanks the flyer away from the good Doctor even though he had his own copy right in front of him. "Huh, looks like, doc, looks like. I WONDER why that would be!"
"Well, uh," Numbers began. Johnny groaned. "I-if I'm, ah, I'm not mi-mistaken, it was because no one wa-wanted to, uh, wanted to, ah, wanted to participate."
Johnny held up a finger, "Ah, ah, not true! We've got a card!"
"O-of those wrestlers you, ah, we, uh, we all saw back i-in Phoenix." Numbers replied. Johnny was getting irritated. "I, uh, I su-suppose out events carry a modicum o-of, you know, of a certain qua-quality that, ah, you know, is a quality that simply can't be, can't be, ah, can't-"
Johnny interrupted, "We had The Generic Heel or Tragik or whatEVER the hell he's going by these days! We had 'Big Beautiful' Bobbi London, 'Loverboy' Vinnie Lane, 'Showtime' J.T. Spencer, hell, even my own CROWN JEWEL Kenzi Grey-Lacklan didn't show up!"
Johnny banged his head on the table and seemed to do that pretend cry thing, but it could have easily been a real cry. Numbers consoled him with a half-hearted pat on the back. "She-she may have been, ah, you know, overwhelmed with, you know."
Johnny raises his head to give Numbers a confused look.
Numbers rolls his wrists at Johnny to get him to come to the conclusion himself without him having to actually say it. "Yuh-you knowww..."
Johnny imitates Numbers' gestures, "I knowwwwww... WHAT?"
"I-In regards to Ms. Lacklan..." Johnny just looks expectantly at his co-commentator. "...a-and her current st-state o-of, you, ah, you know..."
It finally clicked in. Johnny just shut his eyes and lowered his head back onto the table, releasing a lengthy sigh. "She's not dead, Numbers."
Numbers looked confused. "Well, o-of course she i-is: there's the, ah, The Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan Memorial Meditation Gardens a-after all!"
Johnny raised his head to just glare at a sincerely confused Numbers. "She's not REALLY dead, Numbers!"
"Bu-but, ah-"
"She's not really DEAD, Numbers!" Johnny barked, "It's just some big ATTENTION thing, Numbers! How come you don't GET it, Numbers?"
Numbers just shrugs in defeat, "Ho-how about we just take it over to Gary Gab?"
Johnny nodded, "Smartest thing you've said all day! Gary, take it away!"
Gary Gab is inside the ring. He's normally the sole commentator of these events, but he's been relegated to ring announcer. Ambushin' Andy, normally the interviewer, is relegated to bell-tender. Senior Referee Toots "Down The Middle" Dempsey's job is unaffected.
"LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLadies and gentlemen, welcome to WrestleStock, Day Two!" Gary Gab emotes in a low-budget Michael Buffer way. The small crowd pops. "And this... iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis 30 Seconds of Promos Wrestling Cooperative!"
The fans pop, albeit unenthusiastically. "I can't believe we're doing a show in 2021, but we are, LIVE from the Sonoran Desert!"
The fans pop more for the desert than the show itself. Johnny is glaring into the crowd.
"Now.... let's get riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight into the action!"
"Introducing first... FROM PARTS UNKNOWN... he is MASKOPHOBIA!!"
And sure enough, someone who looks like a skinny Phrixus Deimos, no other way to look at it, really, comes on out, trying to look menacing and mysterious, but he's just too skinny. He gets into the ring and tries to take his duster off and throw it outside the ring in one fluid motion, but he doesn't.
"I think Fear should sue this guy!" Johnny says.
"He-he's certainly trying very hard." Numbers added. "Th-they do say i-imitation is, ah, the, ah, the sincerest form o-of flattery."
"He should have probably tried harder at hitting the gym!" Johnny exclaimed as he laughed. Numbers opted to bite his tongue to avoid getting yelled at by Johnny. Let's just say this: let's hope Johnny actually did train some more for his match on Thursday.
"And his opponent... from a secret military installation on the outskirts of Phoenix, Arizona... please welcome: 'Bootcamp' Antonio Edgelord!"
Johnny begins booing, and the fans think that's their cue to also boo, so they do! Antonio looks confused as he's a face at the Phoenix Grappling Association.
Toots pats both men down. Maskophobia is fine, but Toots finds a knife in Antonio's boot! Toots barks at Antonio and Antonio argues with Toots, but a knife is a knife, so it gets taken away from him. When things calm down again, Gary gathers both men. "Now, listen up, guys-"
But before he can finish, Andy leaves the time-keeper's area and storms the ring, "No! No no no! This looks like it's going to be an interview, and if so, that's my department! You announced these guys, so back off!"
Gary, unaware of all this pent-up animosity inside Andy, hands him the mic and backs off and leaves the ring. "Okay, now, listen up, guys: before the bout, we're gonna need to get some words from the both of you. I've got a timer here, so, whenever you're ready, gentlemen, I'll hand it over to you."
Antonio snatches the mic from Andy's hands, "I'M A SIMPLE MAN, FOLKS! I WAKE UP EVERY MORNING, I FUCK MY HOT WIFE, I START BAR FIGHTS WITH 50 MARINES - AND WIN, BY THE WAY, I EAT PACKS OF BACON - RAW LIKE A MAN SHOULD, AND I KEEP A KNIFE IN MY BOOT! ......usually... ANYWAY, THIS MASKED DUFUS DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE AGAINST THE LIKES OF ME, AND IF HE THINKS HE CAN SURVIVE MY SECTION 8, WELL, BUDDY, HE'S GOT ANOTHER THING COMIN' TO HIM, AND THAT'S ANOTHER SECTION 8!!"
"Time!" Andy shouts. Antonio slams the mic into Maskophobia's chest like a tough guy would so. Maskophobia gets the wind knocked out of him, but once he regains his composure, it's all business for the mysterious masked man.
"Dear diary, today I have to take the life of yet another poor soul who thinks I'll be a pushover for him. This happens so often to me, and I don't know why. They never learn. They just never learn, but it's okay. I learn. I learn. I grow. Guys like Antonio Edgelord are compensating for something, and I'll get to the bottom of it, once I lock in my Algophobia for the win. Then we'll see who's tough."
"Time!" Andy shouts again. "All right, well, we've heard all we need to hear! Go at it, guys!"
Andy then departs the ring and returns to his time-keeper position. He glares at Gary. Then he rings the bell.
Collar-and-elbow tie-up to start things off, but then Maskophobia kicks Antonio in the gut several times. Barreled over, he goes for a suplex, but it's blocked and he gets front-suplexed for his troubles. Antonio returns to a vertical base, stomping at Maskophobia's prone body. Each stomp is like crushing a pop can. He pulls Maskophobia up, Irish whips him, and goes for a clothesline... only Maskophobia ducks, bounces off the ropes, and flies at Antonio with a flying-body press. Toots goes for the pin... 1... no! Antonio gets a shoulder up right away. Maskophobia gets mad and shouts at Toots. Antonio turns him around and chops at his bird chest. Maskophobia looks like he's going to die. Antonio Irish whips Maskophobia into the corner turnbuckle, then calls for the Face Haze, which I guess is a facewash kick... only Maskophobia ducks out of the way just in time! With Antonio's leg stuck in the ropes, Maskophobia can freely administer an Incognito Driver, which is basically a Scorpion Deathdrop! The fans cheer! Maskophobia lays on Antonio and hooks the leg! Toots calls out 1... 2... no! Antonio kicks out, much to Maskophobia's chagrin. Maskophobia wastes no time to drag Antonio by the legs to the centre of the ring, calling for Algophobia. He starts to twist Antonio's legs as if to lock him in a figure-four leglock, but Antonio turns and rolls, getting Maskophobia into a rollup pin for the 1... 2... 2.5... no!!! Maskophobia kicks out at the last half-second! He scrambles to his feet, bounces off the ropes, and gets caught in the Section 8, a Black Hole Slam! Antonio drops on top of a probably now dead Maskophobia, hooks both legs, and Toots goes for the pin... 1... 2... 3!! Andy rings the bell, and Gary gets on the mic once more!
"Here is your winner... 'Bootcamp' Antonio Edgelord!" he announces as Johnny and the fans boo. Johnny stands up, demanding Antonio is ejected from the ring and the district as a whole... without his knife! Oh, and paramedics check on Maskophobia, but he'll probably be all right!
"Well... this has, ah, has certainly been, been an interesting show so, so far!" Numbers said to be nice.
Johnny looked at Numbers like he was insane. "If you say so, Numbers, if you say so. But luckily we only have one more match left and then we can, uhhh..."
While Johnny thinks about what will happen with his district moving forward at WrestleStock, Gary has returned to the ring!
"LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLadies and gentlemen, it's now time for our Main Event!"
The fans cheer in relief.
"And it is for the #10 Contendership to the 30SPWC Undisputed Heavyweight Championship! The winner of this match will eventually get a shot at our prestigious title... once nine other people have had their shot at it!"
Never mind the fact that there's only five wrestlers who've been part of 30SPWC shows in one way or another.
"Introducing first... from the City of Angels, Los Angeles, California, 'Cherubim' DuMorning!"
A blonde woman dressed as an angel makes her way to the ring, tagging hands with fans.
"Th-the fans seem to have, ah, have taken a, a liking to DuMorning right away." Numbers comments.
"Those nerdy teens that came in as a group are now suddenly interested." Johnny added. "They've got their phones out and everything."
DuMorning blesses Numbers, Johnny, Andy, Toots, and finally Gary, before she removes her robes, revealing ring attire that has caused those same boys to automatically void themselves and I don't mean pee or poo.
"And her opponent... from England... this is 'Just British' Rider Doogan!"
Rider bursts out from the gorilla position or whatever it is - probably just a kayfabe-breaking tent where everyone else entered from too. He's waving the British flag, inciting a short-lived USA! USA! USA! chant before everyone realized it's 2021 and felt stupid. He props up the flag on one of the corner turnbuckles. Toots goes to pat both wrestlers down, but is hesitant to pat down DuMorning for obvious reasons. Rider is a bit pissed, but shakes hands with DuMorning anyway since they're both faces and each won a shot here this afternoon after beating Mineral Durkovitzch and "Jesus-Like" Chandler Henderson respectively at Phoenix Phight Phest. Andy runs into the ring and takes the mic from Gary.
"Okay, so, just like earlier, you're gonna give us 30 seconds of your very best. Ms. DuMorning, ladies first!" Andy says as he hands over the mic to her.
"Well, gosh, I sure hope I come out on top today! I've been busy doing squats preparing for this moment. I even see those same kids out in the audience who were also at the same gym I was working out at! We love a dedicated fan. Anyway, I really really hope I get to lie on top of Mr. Doogan; I feel it'd be a win-win situation for us, me especially. Don't worry: my Lock Tease won't hurt... that much!"
"Time!" Andy exclaims, his voice cracking. DuMorning hands the mic over to Rider.
"Izzit hot in here or izzit jost meh?" Rider asked. Tough to say, Rider; we are in a desert, but you are also sharing the ring with someone who he wants desperately to have lucid, consensual sexual intercourse with. "Anyway, right, well, dat's gonna be one tough order, miss, seein' as I've 'ad me eyes on dat 30SPWC Undisputed Heavyweight Championship belt for several days now! I'm aimin' ta make GREAT BRITAIN PROUD today, by 'avin' a chance at a chance ta win the bloody thing, and alls I can say is, I won't hit ya in the face, love, with me Union Backbreaker!"
"WELL NO SHIT!!" Johnny stands up to shout.
"Time!" Andy states. "That's all, folks! Now let's get it on!"
There's a pause.
"I mean, let's, I mean, you both, just wrestle, for god's sake!" he blurts out before exiting the ring again.
DuMorning gets the early advantage by leaping right into Rider's arms, pummeling his face as her legs are wrapped around his waist. He allows this for some time before remembering that hey, punches hurt, so he delivers a sit-out powerbomb, aka the Queen Elizabomb! He then gets on top of her and Toots slaps his hand down only once before Rider jumps to his feet, scared he'd get an erection if he stayed on top of her any longer. DuMorning recovers and gets back to her feet. Rider charges at her, but she ducks and hoists him up and out of the ring. She climbs up to the top rope and waits for Rider to almost make it to a vertical base before she leaps off with a moonsault, aka the Holy Diver. sending both competitors crashing to the ground. Toots begins the 10-count. At 7, DuMorning gets to her feet and gets back into the ring. At 9, Rider does the same! She grabs a hold of him, dips him down a bit as if she was going to give him a big dramatic romantic kiss, but obviously she just gives him an STO instead! She goes for the pin... 1... 2... no! Rider gets up and scrambles to his feet, checking if the status of his crotch remained the same. It did. Anyway, he only has a second to react as DuMorning charges at him, which he does react to by ducking down and hitting her with a Samoan drop! Instead of going for the pin, he climbs up the second turnbuckle and leaps off with a knee drop, forgetting he said he wouldn't hit her in the face... but it's okay because he missed anyway. Favouring his knee that mere moments prior was driven right into the mat, he's powerless to escape the Lock Tease, a high-angle Boston Crab, her face mere inches from Rider's crotch. He taps out to avoid an embarrassing situation. Toots calls for the bell, and Andy gets back on the mic.
"Your winner by submission... and NEW #10 Contender to the 30SPWC Undisputed Heavyweight Championship... 'Cherubim' DuMorning!!" the fans, especially the teen boys, cheer wildly at the announcement. Rider no-sells the finish by getting up to ask if their date later on tonight was still on. It looks like a yes from our vantage point, folks!
"Oh, good, it's over!" Johnny said with much relief.
"Tha-that was it?" Numbers asked with some apparent disappointment in his voice.
"What ELSE do you want, DOC?" Johnny replied. "The entire POINT of this event was to mock everyone who didn't wanna show up at it!"
Numbers thought about it for a moment, then snapped his fingers. "Ah. Hence why, why it's, ah, the event was called The Passive-Aggressive Event!"
Johnny just stared at Numbers for uncomfortably too long before giving up and sighing, "Let's just go vandalize the Piercing Media District!"
Johnny gets up and leaves.
"Ah, I-I suppose it's high time to, to welcome everyone to..." Numbers looks at the flyer and cocks his head ever so slightly. "I-i-it's really called the, ah, the Passive-Aggressive Event?"
Johnny yanks the flyer away from the good Doctor even though he had his own copy right in front of him. "Huh, looks like, doc, looks like. I WONDER why that would be!"
"Well, uh," Numbers began. Johnny groaned. "I-if I'm, ah, I'm not mi-mistaken, it was because no one wa-wanted to, uh, wanted to, ah, wanted to participate."
Johnny held up a finger, "Ah, ah, not true! We've got a card!"
"O-of those wrestlers you, ah, we, uh, we all saw back i-in Phoenix." Numbers replied. Johnny was getting irritated. "I, uh, I su-suppose out events carry a modicum o-of, you know, of a certain qua-quality that, ah, you know, is a quality that simply can't be, can't be, ah, can't-"
Johnny interrupted, "We had The Generic Heel or Tragik or whatEVER the hell he's going by these days! We had 'Big Beautiful' Bobbi London, 'Loverboy' Vinnie Lane, 'Showtime' J.T. Spencer, hell, even my own CROWN JEWEL Kenzi Grey-Lacklan didn't show up!"
Johnny banged his head on the table and seemed to do that pretend cry thing, but it could have easily been a real cry. Numbers consoled him with a half-hearted pat on the back. "She-she may have been, ah, you know, overwhelmed with, you know."
Johnny raises his head to give Numbers a confused look.
Numbers rolls his wrists at Johnny to get him to come to the conclusion himself without him having to actually say it. "Yuh-you knowww..."
Johnny imitates Numbers' gestures, "I knowwwwww... WHAT?"
"I-In regards to Ms. Lacklan..." Johnny just looks expectantly at his co-commentator. "...a-and her current st-state o-of, you, ah, you know..."
It finally clicked in. Johnny just shut his eyes and lowered his head back onto the table, releasing a lengthy sigh. "She's not dead, Numbers."
Numbers looked confused. "Well, o-of course she i-is: there's the, ah, The Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan Memorial Meditation Gardens a-after all!"
Johnny raised his head to just glare at a sincerely confused Numbers. "She's not REALLY dead, Numbers!"
"Bu-but, ah-"
"She's not really DEAD, Numbers!" Johnny barked, "It's just some big ATTENTION thing, Numbers! How come you don't GET it, Numbers?"
Numbers just shrugs in defeat, "Ho-how about we just take it over to Gary Gab?"
Johnny nodded, "Smartest thing you've said all day! Gary, take it away!"
Gary Gab is inside the ring. He's normally the sole commentator of these events, but he's been relegated to ring announcer. Ambushin' Andy, normally the interviewer, is relegated to bell-tender. Senior Referee Toots "Down The Middle" Dempsey's job is unaffected.
"LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLadies and gentlemen, welcome to WrestleStock, Day Two!" Gary Gab emotes in a low-budget Michael Buffer way. The small crowd pops. "And this... iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis 30 Seconds of Promos Wrestling Cooperative!"
The fans pop, albeit unenthusiastically. "I can't believe we're doing a show in 2021, but we are, LIVE from the Sonoran Desert!"
The fans pop more for the desert than the show itself. Johnny is glaring into the crowd.
"Now.... let's get riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight into the action!"
"Introducing first... FROM PARTS UNKNOWN... he is MASKOPHOBIA!!"
And sure enough, someone who looks like a skinny Phrixus Deimos, no other way to look at it, really, comes on out, trying to look menacing and mysterious, but he's just too skinny. He gets into the ring and tries to take his duster off and throw it outside the ring in one fluid motion, but he doesn't.
"I think Fear should sue this guy!" Johnny says.
"He-he's certainly trying very hard." Numbers added. "Th-they do say i-imitation is, ah, the, ah, the sincerest form o-of flattery."
"He should have probably tried harder at hitting the gym!" Johnny exclaimed as he laughed. Numbers opted to bite his tongue to avoid getting yelled at by Johnny. Let's just say this: let's hope Johnny actually did train some more for his match on Thursday.
"And his opponent... from a secret military installation on the outskirts of Phoenix, Arizona... please welcome: 'Bootcamp' Antonio Edgelord!"
Johnny begins booing, and the fans think that's their cue to also boo, so they do! Antonio looks confused as he's a face at the Phoenix Grappling Association.
Toots pats both men down. Maskophobia is fine, but Toots finds a knife in Antonio's boot! Toots barks at Antonio and Antonio argues with Toots, but a knife is a knife, so it gets taken away from him. When things calm down again, Gary gathers both men. "Now, listen up, guys-"
But before he can finish, Andy leaves the time-keeper's area and storms the ring, "No! No no no! This looks like it's going to be an interview, and if so, that's my department! You announced these guys, so back off!"
Gary, unaware of all this pent-up animosity inside Andy, hands him the mic and backs off and leaves the ring. "Okay, now, listen up, guys: before the bout, we're gonna need to get some words from the both of you. I've got a timer here, so, whenever you're ready, gentlemen, I'll hand it over to you."
Antonio snatches the mic from Andy's hands, "I'M A SIMPLE MAN, FOLKS! I WAKE UP EVERY MORNING, I FUCK MY HOT WIFE, I START BAR FIGHTS WITH 50 MARINES - AND WIN, BY THE WAY, I EAT PACKS OF BACON - RAW LIKE A MAN SHOULD, AND I KEEP A KNIFE IN MY BOOT! ......usually... ANYWAY, THIS MASKED DUFUS DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE AGAINST THE LIKES OF ME, AND IF HE THINKS HE CAN SURVIVE MY SECTION 8, WELL, BUDDY, HE'S GOT ANOTHER THING COMIN' TO HIM, AND THAT'S ANOTHER SECTION 8!!"
"Time!" Andy shouts. Antonio slams the mic into Maskophobia's chest like a tough guy would so. Maskophobia gets the wind knocked out of him, but once he regains his composure, it's all business for the mysterious masked man.
"Dear diary, today I have to take the life of yet another poor soul who thinks I'll be a pushover for him. This happens so often to me, and I don't know why. They never learn. They just never learn, but it's okay. I learn. I learn. I grow. Guys like Antonio Edgelord are compensating for something, and I'll get to the bottom of it, once I lock in my Algophobia for the win. Then we'll see who's tough."
"Time!" Andy shouts again. "All right, well, we've heard all we need to hear! Go at it, guys!"
Andy then departs the ring and returns to his time-keeper position. He glares at Gary. Then he rings the bell.
Collar-and-elbow tie-up to start things off, but then Maskophobia kicks Antonio in the gut several times. Barreled over, he goes for a suplex, but it's blocked and he gets front-suplexed for his troubles. Antonio returns to a vertical base, stomping at Maskophobia's prone body. Each stomp is like crushing a pop can. He pulls Maskophobia up, Irish whips him, and goes for a clothesline... only Maskophobia ducks, bounces off the ropes, and flies at Antonio with a flying-body press. Toots goes for the pin... 1... no! Antonio gets a shoulder up right away. Maskophobia gets mad and shouts at Toots. Antonio turns him around and chops at his bird chest. Maskophobia looks like he's going to die. Antonio Irish whips Maskophobia into the corner turnbuckle, then calls for the Face Haze, which I guess is a facewash kick... only Maskophobia ducks out of the way just in time! With Antonio's leg stuck in the ropes, Maskophobia can freely administer an Incognito Driver, which is basically a Scorpion Deathdrop! The fans cheer! Maskophobia lays on Antonio and hooks the leg! Toots calls out 1... 2... no! Antonio kicks out, much to Maskophobia's chagrin. Maskophobia wastes no time to drag Antonio by the legs to the centre of the ring, calling for Algophobia. He starts to twist Antonio's legs as if to lock him in a figure-four leglock, but Antonio turns and rolls, getting Maskophobia into a rollup pin for the 1... 2... 2.5... no!!! Maskophobia kicks out at the last half-second! He scrambles to his feet, bounces off the ropes, and gets caught in the Section 8, a Black Hole Slam! Antonio drops on top of a probably now dead Maskophobia, hooks both legs, and Toots goes for the pin... 1... 2... 3!! Andy rings the bell, and Gary gets on the mic once more!
"Here is your winner... 'Bootcamp' Antonio Edgelord!" he announces as Johnny and the fans boo. Johnny stands up, demanding Antonio is ejected from the ring and the district as a whole... without his knife! Oh, and paramedics check on Maskophobia, but he'll probably be all right!
"Well... this has, ah, has certainly been, been an interesting show so, so far!" Numbers said to be nice.
Johnny looked at Numbers like he was insane. "If you say so, Numbers, if you say so. But luckily we only have one more match left and then we can, uhhh..."
While Johnny thinks about what will happen with his district moving forward at WrestleStock, Gary has returned to the ring!
"LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLadies and gentlemen, it's now time for our Main Event!"
The fans cheer in relief.
"And it is for the #10 Contendership to the 30SPWC Undisputed Heavyweight Championship! The winner of this match will eventually get a shot at our prestigious title... once nine other people have had their shot at it!"
Never mind the fact that there's only five wrestlers who've been part of 30SPWC shows in one way or another.
"Introducing first... from the City of Angels, Los Angeles, California, 'Cherubim' DuMorning!"
A blonde woman dressed as an angel makes her way to the ring, tagging hands with fans.
"Th-the fans seem to have, ah, have taken a, a liking to DuMorning right away." Numbers comments.
"Those nerdy teens that came in as a group are now suddenly interested." Johnny added. "They've got their phones out and everything."
DuMorning blesses Numbers, Johnny, Andy, Toots, and finally Gary, before she removes her robes, revealing ring attire that has caused those same boys to automatically void themselves and I don't mean pee or poo.
"And her opponent... from England... this is 'Just British' Rider Doogan!"
Rider bursts out from the gorilla position or whatever it is - probably just a kayfabe-breaking tent where everyone else entered from too. He's waving the British flag, inciting a short-lived USA! USA! USA! chant before everyone realized it's 2021 and felt stupid. He props up the flag on one of the corner turnbuckles. Toots goes to pat both wrestlers down, but is hesitant to pat down DuMorning for obvious reasons. Rider is a bit pissed, but shakes hands with DuMorning anyway since they're both faces and each won a shot here this afternoon after beating Mineral Durkovitzch and "Jesus-Like" Chandler Henderson respectively at Phoenix Phight Phest. Andy runs into the ring and takes the mic from Gary.
"Okay, so, just like earlier, you're gonna give us 30 seconds of your very best. Ms. DuMorning, ladies first!" Andy says as he hands over the mic to her.
"Well, gosh, I sure hope I come out on top today! I've been busy doing squats preparing for this moment. I even see those same kids out in the audience who were also at the same gym I was working out at! We love a dedicated fan. Anyway, I really really hope I get to lie on top of Mr. Doogan; I feel it'd be a win-win situation for us, me especially. Don't worry: my Lock Tease won't hurt... that much!"
"Time!" Andy exclaims, his voice cracking. DuMorning hands the mic over to Rider.
"Izzit hot in here or izzit jost meh?" Rider asked. Tough to say, Rider; we are in a desert, but you are also sharing the ring with someone who he wants desperately to have lucid, consensual sexual intercourse with. "Anyway, right, well, dat's gonna be one tough order, miss, seein' as I've 'ad me eyes on dat 30SPWC Undisputed Heavyweight Championship belt for several days now! I'm aimin' ta make GREAT BRITAIN PROUD today, by 'avin' a chance at a chance ta win the bloody thing, and alls I can say is, I won't hit ya in the face, love, with me Union Backbreaker!"
"WELL NO SHIT!!" Johnny stands up to shout.
"Time!" Andy states. "That's all, folks! Now let's get it on!"
There's a pause.
"I mean, let's, I mean, you both, just wrestle, for god's sake!" he blurts out before exiting the ring again.
DuMorning gets the early advantage by leaping right into Rider's arms, pummeling his face as her legs are wrapped around his waist. He allows this for some time before remembering that hey, punches hurt, so he delivers a sit-out powerbomb, aka the Queen Elizabomb! He then gets on top of her and Toots slaps his hand down only once before Rider jumps to his feet, scared he'd get an erection if he stayed on top of her any longer. DuMorning recovers and gets back to her feet. Rider charges at her, but she ducks and hoists him up and out of the ring. She climbs up to the top rope and waits for Rider to almost make it to a vertical base before she leaps off with a moonsault, aka the Holy Diver. sending both competitors crashing to the ground. Toots begins the 10-count. At 7, DuMorning gets to her feet and gets back into the ring. At 9, Rider does the same! She grabs a hold of him, dips him down a bit as if she was going to give him a big dramatic romantic kiss, but obviously she just gives him an STO instead! She goes for the pin... 1... 2... no! Rider gets up and scrambles to his feet, checking if the status of his crotch remained the same. It did. Anyway, he only has a second to react as DuMorning charges at him, which he does react to by ducking down and hitting her with a Samoan drop! Instead of going for the pin, he climbs up the second turnbuckle and leaps off with a knee drop, forgetting he said he wouldn't hit her in the face... but it's okay because he missed anyway. Favouring his knee that mere moments prior was driven right into the mat, he's powerless to escape the Lock Tease, a high-angle Boston Crab, her face mere inches from Rider's crotch. He taps out to avoid an embarrassing situation. Toots calls for the bell, and Andy gets back on the mic.
"Your winner by submission... and NEW #10 Contender to the 30SPWC Undisputed Heavyweight Championship... 'Cherubim' DuMorning!!" the fans, especially the teen boys, cheer wildly at the announcement. Rider no-sells the finish by getting up to ask if their date later on tonight was still on. It looks like a yes from our vantage point, folks!
"Oh, good, it's over!" Johnny said with much relief.
"Tha-that was it?" Numbers asked with some apparent disappointment in his voice.
"What ELSE do you want, DOC?" Johnny replied. "The entire POINT of this event was to mock everyone who didn't wanna show up at it!"
Numbers thought about it for a moment, then snapped his fingers. "Ah. Hence why, why it's, ah, the event was called The Passive-Aggressive Event!"
Johnny just stared at Numbers for uncomfortably too long before giving up and sighing, "Let's just go vandalize the Piercing Media District!"
Johnny gets up and leaves.